The 3rd Dimension – So little to say and so much time!!!

Hey it’s Reno girl part 3!
October 5, 2010, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This is part 3 of a multi part epic tale. Part 1 is actually that post entitled 11 days to vegas – echoes of the game. Part 2 is the post previous to this one here. Please read those 2 first if you haven’t already or else this section will not make much sense to you.

Our timeline now looks like this:

July     First reno trip (part 1 of story)

Late July-ish     Epic vegas trip (cut short due to unfortunate circumstances)

Early August     Second reno trip (part 2 of story)

September      Third reno trip (this story)

On with the show… By the way it’s been almost a month since I began writing and events are starting to blur so it’s time to just fill it up and publish before I lose interest! Update: Couple months now : – P        Update: it’s starting to hit the 6 – 9 month mark – gddamn! Time for a spit shine then get it out there whatever the state.

People like to say time heals all wounds. I think they are almost right. Time doesn’t heal wounds -it erodes them. I like to think of our memories and interpretations of events as the rock cliffs, bumps, valleys, and bruises of life. The rock starts out perfect at birth but people/places/beliefs come in and build the rock up in some places and dent it in others. Time is the ocean wave which roars across the sandy shore and beats against the hard rock of our lives. Slowly but surely over time the bumps and bruises become little more than small depressions and nick’s. Time erodes our biggest victories and greatest defeats. It will eat away at both our strengths and our weaknesses. Things which happened in the past slowly risk getting lost to the waters of forgetfulness never to be found again. This is how I think of time and it is this same time which tries to clean the slate each day when we wake up. I’ve remembered and then I’ve forgotten. Thus we begin again…

Back at home a letter has been sitting on the counter in black gloss and sealed tape for almost 2 or 3 weeks now. Sometime during this period the tape seal had been broken by someone and I glanced inside at the contents therein.

You’ve been invited to stay at our blah blah hotel <person name>

We will give you <this many nights free rooms>

and oh look we’ll throw in < a shitload of bonus perks! >

We hope to see you here in Reno, NV

<pictures of people having a gay old time>

Ha yeah fat chance we’re busy for the next few weekends out. Besides we’ve gone so many times already and winter is coming up that it’d be impractical to go again. By this time I’ve just about thrown Reno girl to the wind as well since she totally froze me out last time and she is probably married. I have no expectations of ever going to Reno again this year. Even if we did go this year I would have no expectations of anything happening once we got there. So that is it folks – case closed – see you in Vegas for New Year’s possibly. This is me signing out!

Expect nothing and get everything

So I’m at work one afternoon and I get a random phone call. Soo will you be able to drive us to Reno to celebrate our event? Oh snaps wtf? I come back home and I get shown the black glossy envelope once again – this is what we were going for. Oh my. This is just an insane offer. We’ve gotten a whole lot of these before but this is the first time I’ve seen anything like this one. I have to take the offer – it promises to be a great time regardless. I’ve always wanted to get bolder with my life anyway and go out more and meet new people more and have more stories to tell people. It was kinda short notice but I guess I gotta do it. I tell them I’m up for it. The board is set and the pieces are moving yet again- Friday afternoon we’re set to leave after some errands. I’m just about ready to get back in the game anyway. This is the only place I got out anymore to meet new people.

(car ride etc…)

We arrive in Boomtown for the all you can eat Lobster buffet around 7:30 PMish. Boomtown is a hotel/casino just on the outskirts of the Reno border. I don’t eat lobster usually so I make a small mess trying to crack the shell and claws and what not. I also remember spilling a little drawn butter on random areas of my clothing. Overall it was a fun experience but I’m not sure if I’d eat lobster on an even casual basis. It was good but I’m not totally in love with it. We finish up and head to Circus Circus where we’ll be staying this time around.

Once we’re in Circus Circus I get some chips from their 15$ table games for 10$ promo and a new pen to take with me in case I need to jot things down like songs or numbers or craps history or whatnot. We go up to put our stuff upstairs and then everyone is wondering what to do. Wasting no time I say I’m going back to my favorite haunt so everyone decides to follow me there. We walk outside the air is cool but not cold just crisp. We eventually make it to the casino and I split off to play tables while everyone else goes for the slots.

I start off with Craps on the come out roll – hard 8 for a point of 8. I then tell the dealers to give me a 2 way hard 8 bet. I roll again – hard 8! I win the money and make some for the dealers everyone’s happy. I also make the point so I got my pass line bet. It’s time for the comeout again – I turn hardways off. I roll – wtf – hard 8 again! By this time everyone is just like o.O around the table. If I calculated correctly the chances of getting 3 Hard 8’s in a row is 2 thousandts of 1 percent weee. Take that statistics – the impossible can and does happen! No one usually does hardways on the come out since people are trying to burn their 7 rolls. I wonder how much I would’ve won if I double parlayed on the hard 8. Probably about 800 bucks or so. Pleased with myself I move on though I think this event may have burned my luck in craps for the long term :-).

I move on to do some blackjack. I am casually stalking the tables as usual – one catches my attention. Everyone is doing alright so I jump in. Dealer gets a 21 holy mothersht it blows me out of my chair – literally. I withdraw from the game in shock. The dealer continues getting 20s, 21s, and blackjacks 7 or 8 times in a row. People are saying it’s my energy – that I’m bad luck – that my act of withdrawal has attracted the energy of fear and loss to the table. Statistically I know it’s not true but I believe life is energy so I do believe it is me responsible for this massive losing streak. I eventually regain my composure after 9 or so hands and jump back in the game. It was my duty at this point – I was responsible for these people losing. It was going fine until I showed up – thus I am at fault since I take responsibility for not only my life but the reality it alters. I start switching to the energy of courage over fear and go in for my usual 21$ starting bet. Everyone sniffs this out as scared money – I like to think I am a responsible gambler since I know gambling the house always wins. I remember what Pook says about vice masquerading as virtue though – it is the fear of loss that prevents me from going in. Life is inherently risky and by withdrawing from it you weaken yourself. I know it’s dumb to put down hundreds of dollars in a casino but 21$ in my mind does seem kind of absurd. Losing 21$ is not going to end my life. I need to get this fear dealt with straight away.  I’ve known fear well before and I don’t want that energy defining who I am and my life. I shift my energy consciously once again and begin playing. I know what I want out of my life.

I play a few games with my new anti martingale system. Yes we heard it all before – systems don’t work. I like to push the boundaries of conventional thought though. In roulette or heads/tails or any other 50/50 game you rarely see a uniform random distribution such as:

HTHTHTHTHTHTHTHTHT etc…   (not really random – too uniform – too predictable)

You see more often

HHHTHTTHHHTTTTHHTTTHHTHTHTTHHHHHHTHTH  a random pattern with non uniform variation i.e. true random

If one were able to predict or guess or analyze where the streak will happen and how long they will be then one could anti martingale at an appropriate stopping point to extract the most money out of winning streaks by letting the winnings ride and then just lay low during losing streaks by putting down min bet. I decide to do anti martingale with breakpoint = 3 meaning on the 3rd win I collect and go back to 1 unit betting. I get to work. We start winning again – I’m score some good anti martingales with each win at 3 putting me 8 units up. The calcs say there is only a 12% chance of winning antimartingale at n=3 but I’m totally going COMO ESTAN BTCHES on these odds atm. Guy next to me is winning some money and raises the roof every time he wins. One time he’s paying attention to somewhere else and looks back and sees double his bet on the table. “What just happened?!?!?” he asks. I start raising the roof, “THIS JUST HAPPENED!!!”  The table energy is up, the drinks are flowing, and we’re all winning. A victory roar bursts from our table every time the dealer busts. People start turning heads – we’re becoming infectious. I get a triple split 4’s hand and win on a dealer bust. The table goes wild – we’ve all vested each other’s outcomes as if they were our own. More doubling and splitting and blackjacks abound. People are shocked at how fast my stack has grown from the paltry 21$ I started with. I’m now trying to manage 4 or 5 stacks of dollar chips for money management. I started this with a 41$ debt bankroll and by the end I was up +11$ after about an hour and a half of playing. Thus I anti martingaled 50$ in win without even using card counting and other such mnemonics woohoo.

It’s getting late but it’s time to move on to other tables and see what else is going on. I move to the next table and there’s 2 fun looking groups I can socialize with. One is full of asians the other is a mixed bag. I have reasons for trying both I need to pick one. I look at the mixed bag table – dealer 21’s everyone loses. Welp that was easy! I sit down at the asian table. I make an initial assessment 2 guys and 2 girls. Could be 2 couples seeing how they’re seated. I decide to try for it anyway I start making small talk regarding the results of hands. Just as I start settling in after 15 games or so they get up to leave and try other games as one of them runs out of their bankroll. Oh well I start looking around again – another girl at a table but it was closing down oh well. It’s 3AM I need some rest. I go back to the hotel and subsequently pass out. I’ve all but pretty much forgotten about reno girl at this point – she wasn’t in house that night anyway. I spent the whole night just trying to connect with people again – trying to remember nature’s will. The casino for me has evolved into a party in which everyone is invited and will show up. I’ve basically turned it into a networking scheme to meet new people specifically women. The focus may be flawed but I’m still meeting tons of other people and having a blast. I am opening myself up to the world of possibility once again and it feels good. I come back to the room around 3 AM and subsequently pass out. Time for day 2.

Day 2:

I take an early morning shower and get dressed for the day – time to try something edgy. Got my do-rag with jeans and aggro looking button up shirt with chain. An experiment on how people would perceive and treat me if I looked a bit more badass/hardass/just ass in general than usual.

It’s time to get a meal so we decide to eat at that Art Gecko’s place. I wanted to try the all you can eat Sushi I kept hearing about so I went for it. It was pretty good and met my expectations for the freshness. I liked how a mostly real? looking Japanese chef would actually construct your order on the spot. The turnaround was MUCH faster than the Sushi Pier’s when they were crowded. Also that 2 hour time limit listed on the menu – they disregard that! I guess it’s only there for legal recourse in case some hole tries to stay there for 16 hours eating nonstop. I had the special rolls and dragon rolls and salmon skin rolls and all that kind of stuff I liked and came away stuffed and satisfied. Back when I went it was about 20$ overall after tax and tip and whatnot but don’t quote me on it cause I don’t remember the exact figure at all.

After lunch it’s time to do stuff – what to do? All the action for me takes place at night usually so we needed some way to pass the time. My mother wanted to check out the Midway and spend some of these free Midway game coupons she got from a promo. That sounded like fun and I might possibly get another peacocking item to use that night. It’s off to the indoor carnival again.

One of the things I pride myself on is learning how a game works and trying to exploit it. Card counting, dice control, wheel analysis give way to structural analysis, optimal play strategy, and body mechanics at the Midway. It is there I learned that in the hammer and ball game that you’d always want to strike the hammer right at the point when the balls are almost hitting the ground to get the maximum jump on the ball. That or to hit the water gun target at the lowest point on the circle which would soak up the full stream to apply as much force on the lever that made your guy rise faster and hit the bell first. That weird horse game where you moved a number of places depending on which hole your ball fell in? Give the ball backspin and roll it right through the center so that the bumps on the rims would make the ball less “slippery” and more likely to fall into a hole while the backspin would ensure that the forward force you applied to propel the ball would dissipate quicker (making the ball more likely to settle in a hole rather than waste time rolling around the entire setup). I used to have a manifesto in my head when I was younger which was largely replaced by concepts and principles. One of my older manifesto beliefs was, “to win the game you must first learn how to play it”. This basically meant you needed to understand how a game worked to ultimately win it /  transcend it – and then – exploit it. Parallels to this in life show up everywhere – business and women specifically are two big examples that come to mind. Does it work? I guess the stuffed friends which come with me on my adventures at night may be proof enough. Anyway enough talk it’s time to play!

I start off with the balloon and water gun game because I wanted to win the plush shark. Possible night material – waited for some young kid to play and won it on the first try. Off to a good start but I still want to get the oversized plush snake. You could do no wrong walking down the street with a 9 foot plush snake coiled around you. Tried twice for it but failed on the put the ball in a jug game. I tiptoed in and saw that the rim was inversely tapered on top – meaning the hole you see from the surface of the rim actually gets smaller and that’s why a ton of pretty much game winning shots seen just seem to bounce right back out! What cheaters meh I decide to move on.

Next up my mother wanted to win this cute brown plush teddy bear from the put the dart in the white star game. I wanted to win it for her but I was not a usual dart player (never played a real game of legit darts in my life). I only had one thing going for me then – my will to win – and a trump card! Trump card? At this one party I went to in Berkeley many years ago I spent about an hour in some weird OCD trance state trying to nail this face on a dartboard obsessed by the fact they had real darts sharp and steel and all. From there I learned some personal fundamentals which would aid me if I ever needed to embed a dart within someone’s nasal cavity. For me putting my “entire” body into the shot (kind of like a Tim Lincecum pitch but with the balanced stance I developed from bowling) and then letting go off the dart at the very last possible moment after tracing out the desired trajectory with my pre-throw would usually yield my shot somewhere in the desired area of placement. That and the power of desire would need to be good enough.

I take my first throw of the dart and I think it slips out of my hand prematurely. It basically ends up about 2 whole feet from where I was aiming – ok – not good. This wasn’t a cheap game either 2$ each so I decide to try once more. This time I did the usual intense focus intense desire intense will BAM. I did not hit the exact star I was aiming for – hit the one next to it.   : – O   . I barely nick one of the very edges of this twinkler’s 5 pointed frame. Attendant looks at it and calls it legit – we won – yay! Not as I envisioned it but bah I’ll take it! The brown bear quickly comes in off the counter into my mother’s arms.

 Time to condense the story. I watched my mother take the bear into her arms and hold it like a child. A sober realization suddenly dawned on me. Was she using this experience as a proxy to give her what I cannot at my current state in life – a grandchild? I always had an inner feeling that she was disappointed in my progress thus far to even get a stab at a long term relationship with someone. I’ve just been incompetent and neurotic in my youth and picky and bigoted in my middle age. In a way I created that bear – in that I won it – it was something spawned off my will. In a twisted sense it was my child – an entity spawned off my desire, will, and execution in the physical plane. I watched her cuddle it and I felt my heart sink inside. The realization was that if I was to remain who I am I could never make her happy. I love my mother and I want to make her happy but somehow this experience reopened the rift that was me being the ‘good boy’ and finding a girl and settling down and having kids and living the formulaic life. I’m not formulaic –  I’m very counter culture and I have very strong visions and opinions of what I want. And sometimes people get in the way – and if history has anything to say about it these people usually get burnt in the end : – / My motivating drive to meet women is NOT driven by thoughts of having a child and making my mother happy. They are driven by my desires to experience events on this earth nothing more. I only do things for myself and in that sense it makes me both angel and demon – in that in my pursuit of the noblest human virtues happiness and truth I may UNINTENTIONALLY become selfish and oblivious to the needs of others. Would I find a compromise? Can the intellectual spark save the day and find an exit from this conundrum? Only time will tell.

(time to condense what I was going to write about but is not really important)………..

Midway man the bear, win cardshark, win the rose, lose 2 attempts to get Sssssnake

Go to rest – laptop panic – wireless access

Sands and their shitty players club and pizza (don’t get the sands discount pizza)

Dr pepper quest – gets the bartender in sands – prune juice (an extension to this event lies later in another blog post)

Visit hotel for a short time

Steakhouse dinner yay – filet mignon

……….(ok end fast forward)

I come back to the joint after dinner ready to go. The place has really picked up since I last left it – looked like it’s prime time now at 10PMish. People are milling about everywhere. Craps tables are jam packed with a host of the usual seedy looking characters. Card tables are full but no good gaming targets abound. I’m looking around for things to do but it doesn’t look like there’s too much going on despite the huge masses of people running about. Nothing I’d be really interested in anyway. The same problem I have in my non-Reno waking life as well. I have the same basal desires as any other guy but I don’t have the chi (or testestorone) to go out and get it. My new age background doesn’t help either as I know everything eventually leaves one empty and unsatisfied in the end. My lack of ummph and my spiritual insight are sleeping together and conspiring to destroy the zest of life. So far they have been doing a pretty damn good job at it! I don’t do anything anymore and it bothers me but at the same time it doesn’t bother me at all. I need to break this equilibrium somehow though by picking a side. Since I’m not meditating and going off into lucid dreams and googling up stuff like that in a quest to transcend physical life as the worst vegetarian ever with my hair all grown out so I can see “the true me” (aka 2.5 years ago) I guess I’m on the joe shmoe side of the fence. In fact here I am looking to have gambling fun and if young attractive college age girls just happen to be around then :-D. It’s only later on I find that an improper diet the past few weeks had been responsible for my lack of energy.

In one of Pook’s 300 or so pages of writings he rants about you (yes you) being “the light of the world.”  He was trying to convey the point that it wasn’t a woman’s responsibility to complete a man – it was a man’s responsibility to complete a woman. The responsibility of creating a fun world which draws in moths to the flame rests solely on the man’s laurels according to him. I don’t know if this is a universal truth and intuitively I don’t think it is but for the most part I agree with it in the current situation. It occured to me that I needed to stop looking for things to entertain me and become the entertainment itself. Similar to the concept in Burning Man as a participation festival – not something you just go to and passively gawk at all the freaks roaming around. Also similar to many other people talking about “stop looking for the light and be the light” yada yada etc… I decide to take this advice to heart. This party was pretty dead so it was time to deliver the reviving shock. It needed to be bold and decisive. I would have to go all in. I decided to sign up for the on stage Karaoke :-O.

I’ve done Karaoke before but rarely in public and I’m not all that great at it. I don’t even know if my vocal range hits beyond 5 or 6 notes lol assuming I can calibrate anywhere near them. I’ve played musical instruments before such as pianos, guitars, and rubber band banjos so I have an ear for where things should be but nothing close to what a halfway serious musician can pull off. I also am not one to do the whole physical on stage dancing and prancing and pumping the crowd portion of karaoke either. I’m more of an academic/coffee shop karaoker where I prefer having a mic stand somewhere and just sing without having to worry about doing madonna-esque escapades on stage.

I look on stage at the current performers. Most of them are just screaming into the mic and dancing around wildly and it’s getting rave reviews from the patrons. All of the ones with my style of just standing up there and actually trying to sing the song are getting little to no praise at all. Oh gods it’s not my kind of crowd even. The best applause came from a performance of 2 ladies (1 hot 1 not so much) who started the song for about 40 seconds before just abandoning the mic’s and basically start touching themselves seductively while standing back to back supporting each other along with the music. As provacative as it was that wasn’t even a karaoke performance it was just 2 voyeuristic drunk chicks trying to inflate their egos. And this was getting top prize – pathetic! These people wouldn’t know talent if it cockslapped then subsequently teabagged them in the face! This was along the same vein as sleeping your way up the company hierarchy. I just found it sad overall.

I started flpping through the white pages of the book – my hands are shaking a bit. My heartrate and pulse are accelerating as well with each new page of songs. I can’t believe I’m doing this – but I must. I need to prove to myself that the heart is stronger than the mind. On one of Steve Pavlina’s postings about courage he writes, “The word courage derives from the Latin cor, which means “heart.””. Entropy and stasis take energy to break through them. In my case I think the stasis is as much fear as it is indifference. Going for big dreams requires you to thread across a very wide gap where you could lose everything and more than you can possibly imagine. A lot of people like using John Wayne’s “Courage is feeling the fear and saddling up anyway” type mentality for bridging the gap. I think this approach is a bunch of horsecockshit. Feeling the fear and saddling up anyway is at best denial or ignorance of the situation. You know inutitively in your heart this will never work. You will still be as scared on the saddle as you were on the ground. I think they all have the wrong approach personally. I side with Steve on this matter of courage – to bridge the gap requires heart. When you really desire something to the point in which your heart aches for it then you’ve unlocked the only true source of pure unadulterated courage. Think back to the times you wanted something really badly. Think about the obstacles you might have faced. Doesn’t it seem like when you’re really in love with something that obstacles almost seem to not exist at all? It’s like my mind can’t even perceive them as problems. When you feel the energy of love and passion fill your heart don’t you feel like an imperial age musketeer who’s all of a sudden fearless and ready to charge into the line of roaring gunfire? When something really means something to you a surge of strength unfathomable seems to take over and overcome the most heinous odds. Feeling the fear and saddling up anyway didn’t get me to where I am now in life – no – only true courage that came from the heart did. Everything in life I’ve ever accomplished has only made itself so because deep inside I really desired that outcome in my heart. This was the kind of courage I wanted to cultivate. The realization was now that in order to cultivate the courage I needed to cultivate the source first – heart. I needed to find a way to fill my heart with the desire to make my wildest fantasies come true. Sure I’ve always liked music I have tons of mp3’s and I’ve done all sorts of weird mixy stuff with it. I’ve actually done karaoke before on cruise ships and family gatherings and the like. I just as well might have a heart for it but hardly enough for this. Oh well I guess I’d just have to make do with what’s given and hope I can pull off the rest :-D.

later on…

As I stepped down the stage from what I thought was a better but still botched performance with little recognition from the crowd I was a bit pleased with myself. Pleased in that this venue was totally honest (or were they – maybe they should’ve been boo-ing rofl). In most karaoke places everyone going on stage gets at least a “grts” type applause or acknowledgement at the end. This one no one gave a rat’s ass – and I think this is the way things should be. I don’t want these people to lie to themselves and make me think I did a good job – I wanted to know the truth about the situation. Well truth be told it sucked – things never seem to go as well as you plan them out in your mind – thus giving rise to the virtue of spontaniety and rapid decision making 🙂 . I accomplished what I set out to do and I felt kinda good – I wanted to relax and have a little breather now – it was time to go head to the “special” blackjack tables.

Every so often on weekend nights there’d be a few tables reserved somewhere else in the casino which had the lady dealers dressed in hot sexy almost to the point I feel guiltyish (for the thought of it being dehumanizing) clothing such as tight corsets and skimpy lingerie. Consequently these I have noticed were almost always (oh hell I’ll say it always) staffed by young college aged attractive female dealers. I’d hate to admit it but inside of me somewhere nothing gets the willy all riled up like seeing hapless hard up innocent attractive college chicks being forced to put on suggestive clothing they would not normally wear at all and left to simmer there in front of a sausagefest of drunk horny guys just to pay the rent(see side note #1). It also doesn’t help that’s there’s usually a stern middle to older aged looking woman usually staffed as the pit boss in that area who acts as sort of a makeshift dominant figure in this whole interaction. She is always busy trying to correct both the dealers and player’s alike at these “special” tables from doing anything the casino doesn’t like. I find it almost arousing to a certain point though when the dealer makes a mistake and this lady just swoops down and totally embarasses the dealer in front of everyone. Now she’s all flustered in her overly sexy and suggestive clothing while the sausagefest sitting around the tables is just getting off to eyeing her up and down during a delay in the game. I’m not sure what about this is so arousing but after much thought I attribute it to the magnification of female characteristics this sort of treatment gives. As if it forces the females to suddenly become more feminine and thus more attractive to men when they are treated this way. Steve Pavlina writes about this on a similar vein in his exploration of D/s play in a loving relationship. Whatever it’s just hot :-D.

(side note #1: I really feel this sentiment only comes in when girls are at the “object” level of appreciation as pornographic dolls. Once I get to know someone and they really start making their way to my heart that sentiment is somewhat lost as they become more “human” in my eyes and less “object”. Hell it still makes for some good foreplay though!)

(stuff I don’t remember happens)

I’m now walking around the table games looking for some good games or game targets. Just casually strolling by haunting all the games as my bankroll was quickly dwindling to the -200$ threshold. I don’t know what I was looking for in particular. I guess I was ready to take whatever the universe was going to throw at me at the moment. Things work in peculiar ways though and out of the corner of my eye I suddenly see reno girl sitting on a stool with another guy close by talking to her. She’s just staring off into the sea of table games watching I don’t know what in particular myself. Maybe we’re both bored, +3 compatibility? Anyway the corner of my eye seems to catch her gaze and I remember her form a small casual grin as she catches me looking at her. Oh noes she’s got me! I shoot the same small casual grin back at her and keep walking. I had to play my bluff hand for quite a bit longer.

I go off and talk to a couple at a blackjack table who seem fairly friendly. Turns out they were recently married in the chapel upstairs – grts. I continue on my hobo’s journey back and forth through the casino looking for new opportunities to present itself. Eventually I’m back near where I started geographically – still as poor as ever. Gambling kinda sucks now when you don’t have any capital. I’m not one to chase either – if I lose a set amount I was prepared to lose I lose it.

(ok fast forward again…)

let’s get to the point of this story. no more horsing around! not gonna let it sit for another 5 months….

About an hour later I see reno girl on break just hanging out alone by a bank of empty slot machines. The usual rise of thoughts are about to manifest themselves again – and I turn them off. No more of that bullsh*t. I just make my way over and ask if I could take a seat next to her in some awkward fashion with more words than it should have. She says sure. I sit down next to her and tell her whats happened to me tonight and all the money I lost. We just start casually talking for a while. Midway through the conversation it just trails off and I’m just looking at her straight on. No more apologies or second thoughts this time. Exactly like it was during that night in ’25 days to vegas’ I was once again completely honest with who I am and what I wanted. Once again it felt good – if not great. They were right about vocal communication being only x% (x is below 10) of true communication. What was happening now in the silence was the other (1-x%). She didn’t return my gaze straight on but in my heart I knew exactly what I was communicating to her. That I did not necessarily want her as my girlfriend but I wanted to have some sort of working relationship with her. I no longer wanted to be strangers – I wanted to take the intimacy to the next level. In a not so subtle way I basically just wanted to be friends :-D. I wanted to see her and not have it be weird anymore with all sorts of mind games and false fantasies and abnormal things people in dishonest relationships like the one I was in around the 25 days to vegas blog post was. I really wanted to once again know truth and the peace and contentment that came with it. I guess she got the message. She giggled slightly and asked me what my name was. She finally wanted to know my identity – who I was – a working connection. It finally happened and I felt a sudden peacefulness calm my heart. Something so simple I royally screw up and take 2 nights to establish. This is the insanity in my life that I wanted to end – the bipolar hot/cold I want I don’t want flip flop that happens day in and day out in my head. I just wanted to get in that zone where you’re in that zone and everything just feels as it should be. As if some natural order were finally coming to completion. It’s a lesson I’ve learned and forgotten – and once which will probably come up again and again till I finally get it – be honest with what you really want and don’t be afraid to go for it.


It was a nice looking day outside the large square windows – must have been spring nearing summer. The fresh air was gently streaming in through the slightly ajar iron door that kept this computer lab insulated from nature outside. Sky outside was a gentle light blue – a very relaxing and calm day. Temperature was just about right – everything seemed almost perfect. The trees were stoic in this veritable spring backdrop. The lab was packed with people – a class must have just gotten out as some other people were streaming in. The white walls with contrasted with the colors and din of hundreds of students busily tapping away at seperate computer terminals. There are actually many nice days like this back in college where this memory takes place but there’s a special reason this particular one stands out in my mind.

I was just typing some code on my own terminal as my background senses were taking this all in. I press a button to compile and test my newly written code fragments. Program runs for a while before failing near the end. The code  is almost quite there similar to a sculptor chiseling out the few final details on their masterpiece. I switch windows on the computer monitor and go back to typing in a few more lines of code. My lab partner was taking the shotgun seat next to me observing this whole fiasco. I was too engrossed in my craft to notice he was there until he suddenly cut in,

>> You like challenges don’t you?

The sudden remark took me by surprise. Computer labs are often the scene for such random introspective conversations as people work on various projects. A sudden swell of confidence surged within as I knew exactly the answer I would give him. I thought I knew myself well enough. In no time flat I fire back,

Nah. I like things easy-going. I want things to be as relaxed as possible and to go with the flow of things.

Satisfied with myself and the truth I go back to the code. I barely get to glance back at the screen before he fires back at the same rapidity,

>> No I think you’re wrong. I really do think you like challenges.

For a second I’m just flabergasted lol. This guy claims to know who I am better than the expert on the subject – me?! Wow. This is pretty hilarious. I am for the most part amused but my thought process is shocked to the core like these sentences. I can’t believe it honestly but I decide to hear out the rest of it.

>> …. You strike me as the type who likes a challenge, who won’t back down….

It keeps going for a while and I just non-chalantly reply back,

Nah I like things easy.

For a second I think he just looks at me and just nods and doesn’t say a word again. Somewhere inside me I know he thinks I am full of complete bs and that he is right with his assessment. Somewhere inside me also I definitely think I am right and he’s just making claims like that because he doesn’t know me too well. Ahhh I think to myself – people always think they know what they don’t know and make assumptions about people. What a putz lol. I once again continue typing up a new block of code to alleviate the problem with my older block. And that was the end of it – or so I thought. In one of the many irony of ironies in my life the passage of time would only prove to show one thing.



He was right.

(the outline of what the full story was going to look like – remaining portions)

Find reno girl again – man she gets hit on a LOT – truth stranger than fiction – find out more

Bad Karaoke – Guy staggering up there – barely makes it – White Wedding – inspires Rebel Yell / Warning

Corset Girl (sub story for part 1) / talk to her backup dealer – she remembers me later

Guy dealer he’s cool

guy dealer in the restroom / cognitive drink dissonance

Sign up for smooth – she’s watching – no dice