The 3rd Dimension – So little to say and so much time!!!

Moments before the Pinnacle
May 20, 2011, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I believe the universe is an active conscious being. As a result the universe sends you messages to help you along your path. The universe’s emissaries are anything and everything around you. Signs, symbols, dreams, people, attitudes, beliefs, coincidences, things you perceive but not see in the background etc… all exert influence on you and your state of mind. The universe in it’s infinite politeness I guess whispers to you in passing at first or sends indirect clues – hoping you get the message. When you continually shrug them off or ask for more evidence the volume may get louder. Clues become direct statements and assertions. Coincidences start coming in at a higher rate. The volume rises and you hear it loud and clear but still you may decide not to act. You now wonder to yourself – I get the message – but why should I do what you want me to do? What makes you almost so – let’s say – arrogant… to dictate what’s best for me in a free will world? The question is asked and if the issue is of true worth and value to the great unknown an answer will fire back. And then you will be standing there, on the cusp, moments before the pinnacle. A first hand witness to the climax about to occur…

The real deal

For the longest time I thought about exercise my mind always had an instant response at the ready, f*ck it!!! You see I am not the same person I was 5-6 years ago – not to the same degree. Though you can’t always change a person’s true nature easily there is always some degree of influence that is exerted by a person’s environment which in turn starts to reshape a person’s beliefs about the world. In other words you may not change my mind but the seed is planted. The plant will probably die off but on some subconscious level a certain sort of taint occured which will leave a mark in my consciousness. When people ask why I don’t exercise anymore I always give them the same riddling answer, “… because I did it for the wrong reasons.” What are the wrong reasons? I did it so that people would like me more, to inflate my ego, to be better (but not out of self love but out of a need for validation) and to project the IMAGE of being a “good model citizen optimal boy cookie cutter” blech! I could care less about strength and flexibility and health and discipline and self improvement and whatnot. I just wanted to get more of what I wanted – exercise was just the manipulative tool of the day. Male breast implants and diet pills if you will. This was the me years ago which led me down a path of destruction and led me to some new agey period where I re-evaluated and reconstructed my belief systems. In turn the results were outstanding internally – but externally – let’s just say – exercise had to go. I no longer had an ego – I no longer yearned for validation – I was happy with who I was – and in that I reached a sort of stagnant peace with myself. Any peace is relaxing after spending almost 2 years of looking at the mirror and feeling intense hate well up inside you. With that peace and loss of the ego came the loss of exercise though – as my reasons for exercising no longer existed in my head.

On the topic of exercise it wasn’t that I was totally anti-exercise. I recognize a minimal degree of movement and conditioning is needed to function in a 3rd dimensional world. I was just against ‘ unnecessary exercise.’ I had faith in the human body and the grand divine design. I have faith that if you’re sedentary that the body will adapt and turn off systems and change behaviors as to fit your new personality. Has that faith been shaken? Yes on the surface but internally I still think the body is the greatest machine ever built!  Sure my diet hasn’t changed and my appetite hasn’t shrunk ever since I started becoming more sedentary than not but I blame it not on the design of the machine but the implementation and environmental damage through evolution.

I have a certain soft spot for articles that don’t advocate constant exercise. Indeed in our modern world we don’t move much but every so often I think about the formative years of human evolution. People didn’t mindlessly lift weights and run around in deformed circles either and other than violent death or infection people were generally healthy. A lot of Weston Price material I read depicted these happy carefree societies without toothbrushes and exercise and disease in harmony with the natural flow of nature. People with perfect bodies, strong bones, all teeth with no cavities, strong even at old age, happier, and more at peace than their civilized counterparts despite the lack of modern conveniences and pleasures. I always thought of exercise as wasted effort and indeed it is. You spend time dressing down, pre-showering, lifting a weight above and to the side, shower again, redress again and at the end you just spent 2 hours damaging yourself in hopes of long term gains – which like never come – and when they do your sedentary lifestyle just ensures you lose them much more quickly than you got them. An endless torture chamber – a game of tennis against the wall – there has to be a better way. All this wasted effort you spent exercising could have been used cleaning up the garage or gardening or moving packages around for people. Wasted energy that could’ve been spent lifting someone for the elderly or the injured. A gym a mockery of the human condition – a building we go to just to waste vital energies and then get raped in the wallet each month for it. Back before the exercise craze in the 60’s and 70’s I can’t cite this fact –  but it seemed common knowledge that exercise was just “a waste of vital energies that could have been better applied in the pursuit of something more worthwhile.” Indeed I still hold that conservative view and it is not yet broken – but yet…

The world has a certain way of manipulating events and coincidences to get desired results – results that in the long term actually help you towards your goals (as much as they may not seem like it in the beginning). A lot of the crap which had happened years ago I look back and realized that if they had not happened I’d still be the same old undeveloped unconscious bigot I was in the past. It is because of this record of past wins that I have a certain inherent trust in the universe and all that it presents. And this is where the universe starts sending implicit messages. Slowly at first, the relatives telling me I was getting ‘fat’ and ‘needed to exercise’. Then it started getting closer to my inner circle – people telling me I needed to lose some weight. Then it started drifting into more varied routes – seduction and self improvement material tooting their horns about the benefits of testestorone – a synthetic elixir of manhood distilled most naturally from exercise. Sure I could take shots and pills and pads but the instant results have a karmic sort of punishment to them in which your body becomes dependent and no longer produces it’s own testosterone. From there it got even wilder – people at checkout counters and banks accidentally calling me ‘Ma’am’… WTF?! Am I turning into a woman now? Last I checked in the mirror all the equipment was still there and working. The true mediator of male/female polarity is not gender – it’s testosterone. Butch females have hordes of it and effiminate males have none of it. Now people are calling me fat and a woman!!! (not that it’s a bad thing – only if you’re male :D). In fact if you can’t tell from my various past posts I love women and hold them in high regard (in the past – an almost unhealthily TOO high regard). Anyway the volume was picking up but I chose to let all the signals bounce. After all – it was just ego testing name calling and subtle insulting – rain off a steel roof for those without much ego. Ho ho ho midgets – you think you can stop me? If I were to change I wanted real concrete and irrefutable evidence that would make me cry. Insults and false ascertations and whatnot do nothing for me – give me cold hard facts and cold calculating truth. I don’t give a rat’s ass if the whole world thought I was a fat chick – I know where I stand and I’m damn proud of it.

At this point in time the universe probably shrinks into itself a bit and evaluates whether or not this matter is really worth pursuing. If not the coincidences and events stop and it lets you go on your own merrily little way. If the matter is important though the universe will call your bluff and raise you all in on it. All in all I could care less about what people and the universe thought. I’d thought to myself, ‘fat girl was going to make it!!!’ Fat girl was going to run his mobile casino and have a blast without having to drive 200 miles up. Fat girl was going to learn card counting and dice control to the degree that when he does go up he’ll always come home with a few hundred benjamins in tow. Fat girl was going to get all he wanted out of life and beat all odds. Fat girl would learn how to do dope freestyle rap that would make even eminem cry in continuous orgasm at my dope rhymes and skillz. Fat girl would meet hot intelligent conscious girl and have hawt lesbian action each night. Fat girl would start his own phat business and just sit back and watch trillions roll in at a service that would bring true and undisputed value to the human race. And most of all fat girl didn’t need any of you to do it!!!!! Fat girl was no longer dependent on your love and ego and support and validation. Fat girl would do it all on his own and outshine all the other stars in the sky…

And with that I did what I always wanted to do. I ran my mobile casino and took it to everyone’s house (sometimes without their consent 😀 ). I did what I was set out to do and I didn’t give a damn about what anyone else thought – after all this was my dream. This was my payback for all the years I’ve supplicated and apologized and bandwagoned and tried to please others – now it’s pwning time!!! And one lovely day I just happened to be doing my thing lifting my mobile casino in and out of the car as usual and suddenly in some paranormal flash of time days later  I suddenly can’t use a leg for a day due to immense hip pains. The universe broke the volume on it’s volume knob. No longer content with it’s ignored messages it calls in the big guns and breaks me down right on the spot. The pain has subsided but the psychological and some physical damage has not. I get it checked out and thankfully everything on the MRI checks out as normal with the usual disc aging syndromes around the L4 – S1 spinal area. Despite this though something is different – the shot around the world has been fired and now there’s no turning back. My belief systems shaken to the core overnight. My muscles in the back and legs still feel a bit weaker than before.A physical theraphy order which leads to me forced corrective exercises next week. A series of coincidences which lead me to the PT site and a 1 in a million event that lands me an exercise related prize right on my desk merely seconds after I get the PT order. Yes once again the board is set and the pieces are moving. There is no turning back now – here I stand waiting in wonder – moments before the pinnacle. The universe has collected up all of my manifesto’s and philosophies and all at once I feel it is about to let them go in one gigantic climax.

The Comeback Kid
May 10, 2011, 10:00 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s been almost 36 hours since the last post and things are looking a lot better. I’m moving fairly briskly and able to move my body in a much greater range of motion than yesterday. At the rate the pain is going away at the very best this could all be gone by tommorow! It seems like all the equipment is indeed intact – lucky it isn’t anything serious. Just a life re-evaluation event 😛

The Cripple
May 10, 2011, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hey all – it’s been awhile since I’ve posted around here (3 months to be exact)  and I just wanted to update myself on an insight I had recently due to an unfortunate accident. I was just sorting some laundry on the floor yesterday morning – everything just about normal as always when all of a sudden I felt a jolt of pain around my left lower back and upper leg area. I wasn’t even in any weird yoga position either I was just kneeling on the floor – not bent very far at all- sorting clothes in a bag at almost arm height relative to where I was. For that split second I thought I just twisted a muscle so I shook the leg thinking it would go away but it burst into excruciating pain. In that moment all of a sudden I was a cripple. ANY kind of pressure – no matter how slight – I put on that leg started the cycle of pain over again. As bad as leg cramps are this was much worse as the cramp wasn’t in the leg – it was in the lower back internal core connector muscle/ligament approx. Fortunately as of today it has gotten a LOT better so I really think it was just a muscle cramp in a very inoppurtune location. I don’t have any numbness or pain shooting down my leg indicative of spinal damage, no loss of body functions indicative of disc damage, and overall all the equipment is working – just the connectors are a bit sore. For that I am very appreciative and grateful. Today I have no pain in that lower left back area – like it never happened. I am just stiff and sore from many other compensating muscles having been put to work in the lower back.  It was a big change from yesterday though when I could hardly walk – and that short experience turned my sheltered and happy little world completely upside down.


1- Pain & Suffering

I remember just trashing around on the floor rolling around trying to move shortly after the leg pain incident. Eventually after rolling over myself over the very painful area (which felt like rolling through a bed of knives) I was able to get my right thigh in a position to leverage the rest of my body into standing position. Putting all my weight on the right leg once I got standing (after playing angles with the wall) felt odd but it was a much better alternative to the painfest on my left. It dawned on me though that I was basically like this one computer game – left 4 dead – as my mobility was severely hindered. I managed somehow to painfully limp myself to another room and into the shower. I was thinking a really hot shower would calm down the pain and everything would be back to normal. It was such a sobering experience trying to get all my clothes off though. At one point I dropped things out of my pockets and it seemed like they went down through a black hole – never to be acquired again. Now I understood how elderly and mobility impaired patients felt when they dropped something. It wasn’t just a minor inconvenience sandwiched with light cussing and muttering under the breath. It was like watching a small animal die. I just felt a part of my soul sink as items fell to the floor and I realized it would take too much time/pain/effort to get them again.

Eventually I was able to reach the shower and turn on the hot water. Not much changed – it felt better – but only psychologically. Physically I was still in a world of hurt. Eventually I got out of the shower and somehow wallhugged for 5 minutes before getting back to my room. I remember this trip taking about 15 seconds… When I finally got to the bed I lied down and had to thrash around looking for a pain free position. When I eventually found it I was victorious yet defeated.

2 – Insight

As I just laid in bed curled up in some fetal position wrapped in a bath towel I just stared at the walls and had thoughts enter my head. All my life given my youth and big dreams and passive/aggressive vigor I never gave a thought of how much life would be different if I suddenly couldn’t move. Sure every so often after some appreciation or gratitude fest I’d have a passing thought, “oh how I am glad I can see – that I am not bilnd!” that would quickly go away once the next trivial distraction presented itself. It was alot different though when it’s the real deal. All of the lofty plans and such in my head instantly crumble as they can’t manifest through a crippled body.Reno trips? eh gone. Mobile casino project? Forget it. Going out to get food – impossible. Doing what you want? Fruitless. Craigslisting and getting deals on stuff you want- a thing of the past. Events coming up with other people – ordeals to be dealt with. Kneeling down and picking something up – a death sentence.

Things that were once acceptable or ignored suddenly become major issues – for example people…

People who were just background noise before suddenly all seemed like asshats as you would limp from one place to another and these people would just sit and stare then go back to what they were doing. Never in my life have I felt such a primal desire to be cared for again like a baby. To have people understand my pain and not just stare transparently through you. Everything regarding my lifestyle depended on that one node of me being in a mobile healthy state. Without that I felt like an odd kind of death would seem creep over as you no longer have the power to fulfill the hopes and dreams which are the underlying purpose of your existence. You are now some pawn in a chess game to be used and abused at will. All of my assertions in life have always been from a point of strength. I now realized how vulnerable I was if people were to take advantage of me at my moment of weakness. People can feed you poison, abuse you and you’d have no recourse regardless. Sounds that annoy you and music that chafes at your being can be played and you can’t do anything about it except scream and cry in some sort of surreal helplessness. At your weakest people don’t care about you and only have their own best interests at heart. Save for a few of those who are general empathetic your welfare only matters once theirs is sated – and even then since they cannot FEEL as you do as they give you the crumbs and dirt of life and comfort themselves in their own satisfaction that they “did something good today.” This coming from a man who always advocated the save yourself first then save the rest philosophy. I still believe in it – but not in the same way I did before. In a sense I think it’s made me somewhat more empathetic to how much we as people take for granted. Makes me more aware of the suffering that plain ignorance causes. It’s like that whole thing they say about evil and how not doing anything is just as bad/equivalent as the evildoers themselves.

3 – closing reflection

I won’t lie being a cripple – even for that one day – sucked major balls. I rested for a while and eventually it didn’t hurt as much to walk so I started walking very slowly -out of my room – to the door – to the outside – to the car ( mind you it was only my left leg) – to driving the car – to exit the car – to limp over to the door – to Sizzler! What absurdity – to glorify an event that takes place as nothing special to all mobile people…  To limp through the lines- place an order- limp with the plastic tray and drink and soup bowls and plates that feel like they weight 4,000 lbs on your sore back – to sitting down at the seat closest to the food bar – to getting a taco and beans and fried chicken wings and salsa/guac that likewise felt like lifting a 90 lb barbell back to your table – to getting your food – to tasting a burger on a buttered bun and feeling like you just climbed Mt Kilimanjaro. The victory of having the juiciness run down your face onto the fries in completely acceptance and happiness and a sense of underlying dread – in which this may be the last time you might be able to do things independently ever again if the pain came back and things took a turn for the worst.

I looked at a diagram of vertebrae today and saw how many connections to major bodily functions lied alone in the human spine. We are more fragile than we think – our world hurtling through cold dangerous asteroid filled space being not much more than a shelter of thin glass. At least I think so when I am at my weakest. It is ironic to the core that at our strongest we lose all ability to appreciate our own strength – concentrating only on the negatives and the unknowns which lie before us. It is sad we can never stop to appreciate the joy of knowing what you have until you lose it (even temporarily).