The 3rd Dimension – So little to say and so much time!!!

Moments before the Pinnacle
May 20, 2011, 7:00 am
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I believe the universe is an active conscious being. As a result the universe sends you messages to help you along your path. The universe’s emissaries are anything and everything around you. Signs, symbols, dreams, people, attitudes, beliefs, coincidences, things you perceive but not see in the background etc… all exert influence on you and your state of mind. The universe in it’s infinite politeness I guess whispers to you in passing at first or sends indirect clues – hoping you get the message. When you continually shrug them off or ask for more evidence the volume may get louder. Clues become direct statements and assertions. Coincidences start coming in at a higher rate. The volume rises and you hear it loud and clear but still you may decide not to act. You now wonder to yourself – I get the message – but why should I do what you want me to do? What makes you almost so – let’s say – arrogant… to dictate what’s best for me in a free will world? The question is asked and if the issue is of true worth and value to the great unknown an answer will fire back. And then you will be standing there, on the cusp, moments before the pinnacle. A first hand witness to the climax about to occur…

The real deal

For the longest time I thought about exercise my mind always had an instant response at the ready, f*ck it!!! You see I am not the same person I was 5-6 years ago – not to the same degree. Though you can’t always change a person’s true nature easily there is always some degree of influence that is exerted by a person’s environment which in turn starts to reshape a person’s beliefs about the world. In other words you may not change my mind but the seed is planted. The plant will probably die off but on some subconscious level a certain sort of taint occured which will leave a mark in my consciousness. When people ask why I don’t exercise anymore I always give them the same riddling answer, “… because I did it for the wrong reasons.” What are the wrong reasons? I did it so that people would like me more, to inflate my ego, to be better (but not out of self love but out of a need for validation) and to project the IMAGE of being a “good model citizen optimal boy cookie cutter” blech! I could care less about strength and flexibility and health and discipline and self improvement and whatnot. I just wanted to get more of what I wanted – exercise was just the manipulative tool of the day. Male breast implants and diet pills if you will. This was the me years ago which led me down a path of destruction and led me to some new agey period where I re-evaluated and reconstructed my belief systems. In turn the results were outstanding internally – but externally – let’s just say – exercise had to go. I no longer had an ego – I no longer yearned for validation – I was happy with who I was – and in that I reached a sort of stagnant peace with myself. Any peace is relaxing after spending almost 2 years of looking at the mirror and feeling intense hate well up inside you. With that peace and loss of the ego came the loss of exercise though – as my reasons for exercising no longer existed in my head.

On the topic of exercise it wasn’t that I was totally anti-exercise. I recognize a minimal degree of movement and conditioning is needed to function in a 3rd dimensional world. I was just against ‘ unnecessary exercise.’ I had faith in the human body and the grand divine design. I have faith that if you’re sedentary that the body will adapt and turn off systems and change behaviors as to fit your new personality. Has that faith been shaken? Yes on the surface but internally I still think the body is the greatest machine ever built!  Sure my diet hasn’t changed and my appetite hasn’t shrunk ever since I started becoming more sedentary than not but I blame it not on the design of the machine but the implementation and environmental damage through evolution.

I have a certain soft spot for articles that don’t advocate constant exercise. Indeed in our modern world we don’t move much but every so often I think about the formative years of human evolution. People didn’t mindlessly lift weights and run around in deformed circles either and other than violent death or infection people were generally healthy. A lot of Weston Price material I read depicted these happy carefree societies without toothbrushes and exercise and disease in harmony with the natural flow of nature. People with perfect bodies, strong bones, all teeth with no cavities, strong even at old age, happier, and more at peace than their civilized counterparts despite the lack of modern conveniences and pleasures. I always thought of exercise as wasted effort and indeed it is. You spend time dressing down, pre-showering, lifting a weight above and to the side, shower again, redress again and at the end you just spent 2 hours damaging yourself in hopes of long term gains – which like never come – and when they do your sedentary lifestyle just ensures you lose them much more quickly than you got them. An endless torture chamber – a game of tennis against the wall – there has to be a better way. All this wasted effort you spent exercising could have been used cleaning up the garage or gardening or moving packages around for people. Wasted energy that could’ve been spent lifting someone for the elderly or the injured. A gym a mockery of the human condition – a building we go to just to waste vital energies and then get raped in the wallet each month for it. Back before the exercise craze in the 60’s and 70’s I can’t cite this fact –  but it seemed common knowledge that exercise was just “a waste of vital energies that could have been better applied in the pursuit of something more worthwhile.” Indeed I still hold that conservative view and it is not yet broken – but yet…

The world has a certain way of manipulating events and coincidences to get desired results – results that in the long term actually help you towards your goals (as much as they may not seem like it in the beginning). A lot of the crap which had happened years ago I look back and realized that if they had not happened I’d still be the same old undeveloped unconscious bigot I was in the past. It is because of this record of past wins that I have a certain inherent trust in the universe and all that it presents. And this is where the universe starts sending implicit messages. Slowly at first, the relatives telling me I was getting ‘fat’ and ‘needed to exercise’. Then it started getting closer to my inner circle – people telling me I needed to lose some weight. Then it started drifting into more varied routes – seduction and self improvement material tooting their horns about the benefits of testestorone – a synthetic elixir of manhood distilled most naturally from exercise. Sure I could take shots and pills and pads but the instant results have a karmic sort of punishment to them in which your body becomes dependent and no longer produces it’s own testosterone. From there it got even wilder – people at checkout counters and banks accidentally calling me ‘Ma’am’… WTF?! Am I turning into a woman now? Last I checked in the mirror all the equipment was still there and working. The true mediator of male/female polarity is not gender – it’s testosterone. Butch females have hordes of it and effiminate males have none of it. Now people are calling me fat and a woman!!! (not that it’s a bad thing – only if you’re male :D). In fact if you can’t tell from my various past posts I love women and hold them in high regard (in the past – an almost unhealthily TOO high regard). Anyway the volume was picking up but I chose to let all the signals bounce. After all – it was just ego testing name calling and subtle insulting – rain off a steel roof for those without much ego. Ho ho ho midgets – you think you can stop me? If I were to change I wanted real concrete and irrefutable evidence that would make me cry. Insults and false ascertations and whatnot do nothing for me – give me cold hard facts and cold calculating truth. I don’t give a rat’s ass if the whole world thought I was a fat chick – I know where I stand and I’m damn proud of it.

At this point in time the universe probably shrinks into itself a bit and evaluates whether or not this matter is really worth pursuing. If not the coincidences and events stop and it lets you go on your own merrily little way. If the matter is important though the universe will call your bluff and raise you all in on it. All in all I could care less about what people and the universe thought. I’d thought to myself, ‘fat girl was going to make it!!!’ Fat girl was going to run his mobile casino and have a blast without having to drive 200 miles up. Fat girl was going to learn card counting and dice control to the degree that when he does go up he’ll always come home with a few hundred benjamins in tow. Fat girl was going to get all he wanted out of life and beat all odds. Fat girl would learn how to do dope freestyle rap that would make even eminem cry in continuous orgasm at my dope rhymes and skillz. Fat girl would meet hot intelligent conscious girl and have hawt lesbian action each night. Fat girl would start his own phat business and just sit back and watch trillions roll in at a service that would bring true and undisputed value to the human race. And most of all fat girl didn’t need any of you to do it!!!!! Fat girl was no longer dependent on your love and ego and support and validation. Fat girl would do it all on his own and outshine all the other stars in the sky…

And with that I did what I always wanted to do. I ran my mobile casino and took it to everyone’s house (sometimes without their consent 😀 ). I did what I was set out to do and I didn’t give a damn about what anyone else thought – after all this was my dream. This was my payback for all the years I’ve supplicated and apologized and bandwagoned and tried to please others – now it’s pwning time!!! And one lovely day I just happened to be doing my thing lifting my mobile casino in and out of the car as usual and suddenly in some paranormal flash of time days later  I suddenly can’t use a leg for a day due to immense hip pains. The universe broke the volume on it’s volume knob. No longer content with it’s ignored messages it calls in the big guns and breaks me down right on the spot. The pain has subsided but the psychological and some physical damage has not. I get it checked out and thankfully everything on the MRI checks out as normal with the usual disc aging syndromes around the L4 – S1 spinal area. Despite this though something is different – the shot around the world has been fired and now there’s no turning back. My belief systems shaken to the core overnight. My muscles in the back and legs still feel a bit weaker than before.A physical theraphy order which leads to me forced corrective exercises next week. A series of coincidences which lead me to the PT site and a 1 in a million event that lands me an exercise related prize right on my desk merely seconds after I get the PT order. Yes once again the board is set and the pieces are moving. There is no turning back now – here I stand waiting in wonder – moments before the pinnacle. The universe has collected up all of my manifesto’s and philosophies and all at once I feel it is about to let them go in one gigantic climax.

The Comeback Kid
May 10, 2011, 10:00 pm
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It’s been almost 36 hours since the last post and things are looking a lot better. I’m moving fairly briskly and able to move my body in a much greater range of motion than yesterday. At the rate the pain is going away at the very best this could all be gone by tommorow! It seems like all the equipment is indeed intact – lucky it isn’t anything serious. Just a life re-evaluation event 😛

The Cripple
May 10, 2011, 7:00 am
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Hey all – it’s been awhile since I’ve posted around here (3 months to be exact)  and I just wanted to update myself on an insight I had recently due to an unfortunate accident. I was just sorting some laundry on the floor yesterday morning – everything just about normal as always when all of a sudden I felt a jolt of pain around my left lower back and upper leg area. I wasn’t even in any weird yoga position either I was just kneeling on the floor – not bent very far at all- sorting clothes in a bag at almost arm height relative to where I was. For that split second I thought I just twisted a muscle so I shook the leg thinking it would go away but it burst into excruciating pain. In that moment all of a sudden I was a cripple. ANY kind of pressure – no matter how slight – I put on that leg started the cycle of pain over again. As bad as leg cramps are this was much worse as the cramp wasn’t in the leg – it was in the lower back internal core connector muscle/ligament approx. Fortunately as of today it has gotten a LOT better so I really think it was just a muscle cramp in a very inoppurtune location. I don’t have any numbness or pain shooting down my leg indicative of spinal damage, no loss of body functions indicative of disc damage, and overall all the equipment is working – just the connectors are a bit sore. For that I am very appreciative and grateful. Today I have no pain in that lower left back area – like it never happened. I am just stiff and sore from many other compensating muscles having been put to work in the lower back.  It was a big change from yesterday though when I could hardly walk – and that short experience turned my sheltered and happy little world completely upside down.


1- Pain & Suffering

I remember just trashing around on the floor rolling around trying to move shortly after the leg pain incident. Eventually after rolling over myself over the very painful area (which felt like rolling through a bed of knives) I was able to get my right thigh in a position to leverage the rest of my body into standing position. Putting all my weight on the right leg once I got standing (after playing angles with the wall) felt odd but it was a much better alternative to the painfest on my left. It dawned on me though that I was basically like this one computer game – left 4 dead – as my mobility was severely hindered. I managed somehow to painfully limp myself to another room and into the shower. I was thinking a really hot shower would calm down the pain and everything would be back to normal. It was such a sobering experience trying to get all my clothes off though. At one point I dropped things out of my pockets and it seemed like they went down through a black hole – never to be acquired again. Now I understood how elderly and mobility impaired patients felt when they dropped something. It wasn’t just a minor inconvenience sandwiched with light cussing and muttering under the breath. It was like watching a small animal die. I just felt a part of my soul sink as items fell to the floor and I realized it would take too much time/pain/effort to get them again.

Eventually I was able to reach the shower and turn on the hot water. Not much changed – it felt better – but only psychologically. Physically I was still in a world of hurt. Eventually I got out of the shower and somehow wallhugged for 5 minutes before getting back to my room. I remember this trip taking about 15 seconds… When I finally got to the bed I lied down and had to thrash around looking for a pain free position. When I eventually found it I was victorious yet defeated.

2 – Insight

As I just laid in bed curled up in some fetal position wrapped in a bath towel I just stared at the walls and had thoughts enter my head. All my life given my youth and big dreams and passive/aggressive vigor I never gave a thought of how much life would be different if I suddenly couldn’t move. Sure every so often after some appreciation or gratitude fest I’d have a passing thought, “oh how I am glad I can see – that I am not bilnd!” that would quickly go away once the next trivial distraction presented itself. It was alot different though when it’s the real deal. All of the lofty plans and such in my head instantly crumble as they can’t manifest through a crippled body.Reno trips? eh gone. Mobile casino project? Forget it. Going out to get food – impossible. Doing what you want? Fruitless. Craigslisting and getting deals on stuff you want- a thing of the past. Events coming up with other people – ordeals to be dealt with. Kneeling down and picking something up – a death sentence.

Things that were once acceptable or ignored suddenly become major issues – for example people…

People who were just background noise before suddenly all seemed like asshats as you would limp from one place to another and these people would just sit and stare then go back to what they were doing. Never in my life have I felt such a primal desire to be cared for again like a baby. To have people understand my pain and not just stare transparently through you. Everything regarding my lifestyle depended on that one node of me being in a mobile healthy state. Without that I felt like an odd kind of death would seem creep over as you no longer have the power to fulfill the hopes and dreams which are the underlying purpose of your existence. You are now some pawn in a chess game to be used and abused at will. All of my assertions in life have always been from a point of strength. I now realized how vulnerable I was if people were to take advantage of me at my moment of weakness. People can feed you poison, abuse you and you’d have no recourse regardless. Sounds that annoy you and music that chafes at your being can be played and you can’t do anything about it except scream and cry in some sort of surreal helplessness. At your weakest people don’t care about you and only have their own best interests at heart. Save for a few of those who are general empathetic your welfare only matters once theirs is sated – and even then since they cannot FEEL as you do as they give you the crumbs and dirt of life and comfort themselves in their own satisfaction that they “did something good today.” This coming from a man who always advocated the save yourself first then save the rest philosophy. I still believe in it – but not in the same way I did before. In a sense I think it’s made me somewhat more empathetic to how much we as people take for granted. Makes me more aware of the suffering that plain ignorance causes. It’s like that whole thing they say about evil and how not doing anything is just as bad/equivalent as the evildoers themselves.

3 – closing reflection

I won’t lie being a cripple – even for that one day – sucked major balls. I rested for a while and eventually it didn’t hurt as much to walk so I started walking very slowly -out of my room – to the door – to the outside – to the car ( mind you it was only my left leg) – to driving the car – to exit the car – to limp over to the door – to Sizzler! What absurdity – to glorify an event that takes place as nothing special to all mobile people…  To limp through the lines- place an order- limp with the plastic tray and drink and soup bowls and plates that feel like they weight 4,000 lbs on your sore back – to sitting down at the seat closest to the food bar – to getting a taco and beans and fried chicken wings and salsa/guac that likewise felt like lifting a 90 lb barbell back to your table – to getting your food – to tasting a burger on a buttered bun and feeling like you just climbed Mt Kilimanjaro. The victory of having the juiciness run down your face onto the fries in completely acceptance and happiness and a sense of underlying dread – in which this may be the last time you might be able to do things independently ever again if the pain came back and things took a turn for the worst.

I looked at a diagram of vertebrae today and saw how many connections to major bodily functions lied alone in the human spine. We are more fragile than we think – our world hurtling through cold dangerous asteroid filled space being not much more than a shelter of thin glass. At least I think so when I am at my weakest. It is ironic to the core that at our strongest we lose all ability to appreciate our own strength – concentrating only on the negatives and the unknowns which lie before us. It is sad we can never stop to appreciate the joy of knowing what you have until you lose it (even temporarily).

My own Casino Royale
February 10, 2011, 7:00 am
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During the past year I’ve done a lot of casino gaming. I still remember how almost a decade ago I started on penny slots and 100 hand poker for fun during long casino trips. I then moved on to interactive slots with bonuses and games on them along with occasionally playing a few hands of blackjack and usually losing. Gambling was never my real sole focus though as much as vacationing once and just enjoying the carefree lifestyle. My total bankroll for an entire gambling vacation of a week might be 100$ with that being 20$ a day. I didn’t believe in gambling and since the odds were always against you I thought it a stupid game to play when other alternatives existed to dump your money. That all changed though during my new agey period where I isolated myself and grew my hair out and started asking the big questions about life. I started playing this online multiplayer game which had gambling as an effective means to get ahead*** (read all about the details at the footnote of this blog look for the ***). Eventually I learned and memorized the wizardofodds “basic blackjack strategy”. After I had done everything in that game I looked back and realized “wow what a shitload of time I’ve wasted playing a game!” “It’d be a shame to not really get anything out of that given all the time and energy I’ve spent…” A few weeks later we went to Reno and I recalled my skill at playing blackjack with basic strategy. Hey if it worked in the game could it possibly work in real life? I decided to give it a try. At least I’d get something out of all the time I spent racing carsand building a real estate empire on the backdrop of a lawless world.

I went to some nondescript blackjack table for 5$ a hand and went to see if this was indeed the real deal. I played according to the basic strategy chart and something magical happened. As the wizard himself claimed it was as if I’ve suddenly become “luckier” compared to all the other players. The ugliest looking hands would settle to become 20 and 21’s. I would win on a dealer bust with 12’s 13’s and 14’s. I was suddenly an experienced and lucky blackjack player overnight just on the basis of a violent computer game. It was like I could tread water! I would be staying on the tables much much longer than most amateur gamblers with a paltry 7 unit bankroll i.e. 35$ for a 5$ a hand game. I look at most BJ players now and I see if they play alot regarding how they treat a 16 vs a dealer 7 or better strong card. Most amateurs would wuss out from hitting 16 vs strong but every experienced blackjack player knows you MUST take the risk!!! I hit the 16’s and I can almost swear more times than not I pull it off. 16  HIT   (other amateur players going wtf o.O)  ::dealt 5:: 21.  I’ll stay 😀

With the success I’ve had in Blackjack I decided to look up more ways of gaining the advantage. I met someone from another text game which had a blackjack casino about the ‘knockout’ system for card counting. I looked it up and on my next trip vowed to try the content within. Not too long afterwards I was sitting down at the tables again armed with rudimentary knowledge of the basic knockout card counting system. And what a knockout it was! I started putting down a bit more cash on hands where I had the advantage and I noticed I was winning more than usual. I got cocky though and started telling everyone I knew tablemates, dealers, etc that I was an experienced card counter. Of course I wanted to be a card counter like Steve Pavlina used to be because he is smart, humble enough to know he is not perfect and thus develops himself, and gets everything he wants out of life. I started doing stupid amateurish card counter things besides telling people I was a card counter in a vain attempt to impress them with my rainman like card counting skills (which were actually pretty bad even now). I’d raise red flags like hit on 17 and take insurance. I’d place obviously large bets compared to flat betting min at the table the rest of the time. I’d “wong” out of certain hands [the process of wonging] which was slang for sitting out certain hands when the count was not in your favor. Shift supervisors and pit personnel were slowly summoned and were starting to watch my play indirectly. My realization that I was being tracked though came in the form of a not so subtle thinking grunt I heard when I tripled my usual flat bet to take advantage of an abnormally high count hand. It was then I realized that card counting was literally the oldest trick in the casino book and I was quickly falling into the trap as a lone single deck BJ player. I cashed out and hightailed it to live and play another day. Sadly in a secret conscious wish I wanted to end up on the now defunct ‘Griffin Book’ of advantage players who are barred from casinos because they BEAT them. Yes – to WIN IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING IS AGAINST YOU. The pinnacle of any and all victories. To be in my element – my own true nature – the one reflected on the back of a customized high school jersey a decade ago. Could this be my life’s purpose – the answer to the question I’ve asked myself constantly? To break down the barriers of my own rigid thoughts and expectations to know the truth about who we really are? To know what’s truly possible?

Before I get ahead of myself here I realized the dangers of being a card counter given the structure of law in Nevada so I started taking steps to fade into the background once again. I came back months later and played count at a full table with another family. I put down a really huge bet when the count was up and got the card counter’s dream come true hand – Ace and Ace. I split those and eventually won one BJ and lost the other. Ideally they would have become 2 blackjacks for massive casino pwnage but the count was high and it can go either way – dealer ended up with a 20. I hightailed it right after that game for a net profit of 150 something dollars from a sub 30$ bankroll with flat betting the entire time. I was a counter once again.

The following summer we went to Vegas and I was at it again with blackjack. I didn’t have the stomach to play 10$ a hand though despite my counting skills and I made a cheesy sexual comment at the lady sitting near me at the table so I just took off after I broke even. Didn’t help my total bankroll for the 10$ a hand session was 40$ as well! (I still had suspicions about gambling) Summer is meant to be spent in Vegas at the pools and fake river’s and such anyway in the hot sun with some cabana grill food afterwards and drinks in the evening. We went back to Vegas in the winter and I decided I wanted to finally man up and learn about a game that has interested me with all it’s hootering and hollering – Craps.

I walked downstairs to the advertised 11am Craps class at Monte Carlo. It was LOADED with people – I guess the draw of the game has been more infectious than I accounted for. Our instructor tried to explain the game but it had too much of a casino ‘edge’ on it looking back. I really didn’t learn anything about the game from the 1 hour talk as he described all the bets in excruciating detail. It was only from one of the dealers at an empty craps table in Hooters hotel and casino that I learned in succint terms the most basic of the bets – Pass Line. Roll a 7/11 win roll a 2/3/12 lose roll anything else and you need to roll it again before you roll 7 to win. So simple and concise!!! From there I would ask about the other bets every so often and from observing other player’s and their chips I quickly learned about the Field and Place Bets and Don’t Come. Also started warming up to the proposition bets which were fairly intuitive besides the horn which was just a fancy way of saying 2/3/11/12 in one swipe. I was now in the hootering and hollering family of gamblers. Woohoo! I also knew I needed to find a hook in this game – just like basic strategy/card counting in blackjack – if I were to stay afloat in a game of negative expectation. It is at the table and later internet research on various smartphones where I learned the most powerful of the gambling arts IMO as of yet – Dice Control.

In a day I learned the rudimentric basics of dice control and setting and by nightfall I was practicing. I was pretty bad initially and I’d get table boss heat from taking a near decade to find the sides of the dice I wanted. The next day though I bought a souveneir “used in a real casino!” pair of craps dice and practiced in my downtime waiting for the Vegas bus or for food to arrive etc… I then learned that the opposite faces of all real dice equal 7 cutting down my “search for the right face” time tremendously. From only seeing 3 faces of a die I could derive what the 3 faces opposite them were. From then on my set time to get the all 7’s set sped up exponentially. At this point the limiting factor may soon be how fast I can twist the pair of dice in my hands. I’ve had to make amends to ration my speed sometimes to not make it look like this is all I do all day at the hotel. Luckily unlike card counting there are so many BAD dice controllers out there that set the dice I can blend in perfectly. Despite the fact it looks like I have been setting dice all my life thousands of dice setters before me have set the dice and failed so I just look like “another crazed loon who believes in the concept of dice control!!”!#@#!”  All I can say is – believe what you want – and let my cubes and chips show you the rest. Dice controllers are not psychic and they can’t force certain rolls – their magic is in skewing a random distribution into a more ordered one and placing your bets to match that ordered distribution. A good craps bettor will also see trends come up or certain non-random order in some people’s rolls and bet along those tendencies to win similar to playing the stock market on it’s cycles.

Eventually I was quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with. All this time of my blackjack and craps talk I also started looking into roulette and the magic of wheel analysis to find central tendencies in where the ball lands on the wheel. It is the same software casino’s use to track if a wheel is deviating towards a certain geographic region and close the table before people catch wind and take the casino for all it’s got. I have to say though staring at a spinning wheel intently is both obvious and taxing and I quickly put the matter to rest in favor of other games. If one could memorize the non ordered sequence of numbers on the wheel without having to stare at it so obviously though then I think they’d have a shot at beating the game. Anyway I knew all of the most popular games and how to stay afloat in them. Hopefully I’d make a little money in the process too while getting the perks like free drinks and ahhh yes, women.

After the vegas winter trip I started gaining an interest in the so called “pickup” game from Neil Strauss’ book on the topic which was referred to me by offlinks from Steve Pavlina development articles. I’ve heard about this stuff before back in college but I quickly ignored it when I found out it was just full of stupid cheesy techniques and shallow strategies to manipulate women’s own nature against themselves. It was only now after reading Neil’s book did I get a look at the thoughts and motivations behind the dog and pony show. What was trivial before now got me hooked – once again here was a story about how someone started getting what he wanted out of life and what he did to get there. Women were also one of the last frontiers for me in which I have never been able to figure them out. I started scarfing down the material in his book and related books and applying the concepts to real life. There was a no better place for all this experimentation though than – gasp – the casino! Casino’s are full of women and they have context – this isn’t a cold pickup – it’s a social event. I can play better casino game than most of the people out there too –  now it was time to see if I can up the ante and add “game” to it as well!

My gambling now had a higher more subtle context – resocialization with the human mass and meeting women. By this time I was treading for hours on a 100$ bankroll in blackjack or more recently whaled at a craps table for an entire day with a 300$ bankroll losing only 80$ or so by the end of the marathon. It was easy to build rapport with women when you could park at a table for an hour without worrying about your bankroll. It was fun to watch other potential suitors come in, chat, run out of cash, and run off back into the sunset while I remained. It was fun watching all the half assed attempts from more inexperienced guys which made me look better than I should have (though on many occasions I gave some back and made some pretty supplicating attempts myself!). I found the perfect fusion of my acquired skills and a context I can apply them in for exploration and self advancement. This wasn’t a shitty club or bar where I would be the odd man out with my lack of ego and higher strung thoughts compared to the primal ego-tized sex urge reactionary infantile environment of the club. I was the master of the casino – I knew the game – and I would be fighting the war from my strongest vantage point. I talked with people at the casino and tried all these silly little things in seduction forums before I quickly realized that something was missing. That there was a unifying source for all of these seemingly incongruent and oddball behaviors and attitudes. I ran across the book of pook and it listed out in detail what the missing pieces of the puzzle were and the core driver of human male sexuality – testosterone. It was then I started to question whether human personalities were a product of chemical reactions or if a soul with it’s own true specific nature really resided within each person. Once I learned the secret I knew where the problems lay and I no longer needed any of these stupid guides and flowcharts and etc – I only needed to be honest with myself and what I wanted and go back to my own true nature. Like a bad disease which was eradicated but still had pockets of resistance every so often my issues with women were mostly resolved by the time I made my realizations in the new age phase years ago but every so often I still had insurgencies of self doubt. These insurgencies and last minute pockets of resistance were summarily squelched with my discover of Anti-Dump’s machine 9 page article. I now could “congrue” in other words unify/match up with what I always knew within my heart – women are nothing special : – P . They are special in that everyone else is special and unique in some way but they are nothing special in that if I’m not with one that’s right for me I could care less. I now looked back at every woman I liked and realized they were not for me – they weren’t my type – they may have even been far from it. I’ve never met a woman I’ve felt was the one for me and so that closed the book on that. All or nothing is the way to go since you’re pretty much stuck with what you pick for the rest of this mortal life :-D. Once again I am free – freer than before – free to live my life as I want to see fit. My experiences at the casino were just echo confirmation of what I’ve read and dismissed as exagerrated. They also were the catalyst in destroying my false beliefs about women and myself so I appreciate them for that.

And now we come to the present. I’ve taken all my casino skills and ran with them and now I know the truth about the whole deal. I know the games inside out, the politics of the casino, and it’s patrons. I will admit I don’t know absolutely everything but I know enough to take the next step in casino evolution. I’ve played the game and now it was time to transcend it. It was time to start my own charity casino.

During the past week I made steps like working on graphics for promotional material like free-play Pogs and foregoing the years old collection of poker chips in lieu of some real casino looking chips. I’ve already been building up a collection of real casino used craps dice and game felts and fake paper money and soforth so this may have been a long time coming without me realizing it. I’ve looked into photoshop tutorials for making my own poker chip graphics I can stick on the cheaper chips to turn them into other useful things. I’ve thought about what would make my casino better than the rest –  it would be my desire for truth and fairness in the concept of the casino. Gambling is not gambling unless the house stands to lose something so it was time to shift the odds back to the player. Single deck blackjack with real 3 to 2 odds and full deck penetration – card counting allowed! Roulette where we re-spin if we hit a zero or double zero. A craps game with unlimited odds and more fair payoffs for some of the worst offenders like the hop 7. Things like that. You always here of a poor player losing everything he has and his shirt from a bad run at the tables. Why doesn’t that ever happen to the casinos? Because every game is set up for you to lose. They call it gambling but they are really robbing and deceiving you – only ones who open their eyes can see it for what it is. An extortion racket. It’s time to change all that and hearld in a new era. It’s time for a new Casino Royale.

It’s time to run a charity casino and see myself on the other side of it to truly know the duality of which I face. Where will we go after this? I don’t know.



Footnote from the first paragraph:

***During the late phases of that new agey experience I started playing a game that represented the darker side of life – Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with the multiplayer mod. A lot in the community created mod servers which were virtually 2nd lives in which you could do all the things you couldn’t do in real life i.e. steal cars, senseless murder, senseless stunts, doing whatever you want, being a criminal, being a drug dealer, hitman, rapist, carjacker, etc… The game was a bit too real for me sometimes. The first night I played it I felt like I couldnt’ drive on a normal road correctly in fear that some car would just jump the barrier and plow me in. Also when I saw stoplights I had some cognitive dissonance as we usually ignored those in game 😀 I’d also remember having real life anger fits over some asshole killing me after I won a race or someone senselessly killing me for no reason at all. Anyway one of the effective ways to make money in that twisted reality though was by gambling due to exploits in the game’s code. Basically if you ran up a gambling debt you could log off and log back on and the debt would be cleared!!! Thus to run my way up to power I remember doing a lot of simulated slots and simulated blackjack and roulette. Eventually to start getting the edge I needed to have a more optimal blackjack strategy than sheer intuition especially against every BJ player’s nightmare the 16 vs dealer 10 or Ace. I downloaded an odds card from wizardofodds and printed it out and left it on my desk so I knew the optimal play for each hand. With that I started winning a bit more than I was before and my meteoric rise to the top of the fake reality was complete. I had maxcapped my in game cash and owned the max number of properties. I had investments which made me money just for being AFK in game so I had a pretty good cashflow to just dick around and buy all the weapons/cars/races/call out hits  in any fashion I desired. I was also raking it in from street racing and would often host my own races for fabulous cash prizes. Anyway I accomplished all I wanted to do and experience in that game and eventually left. The blackjack skills I took with me though as I was quickly starting to memorize the optimal play table :-O

Achievement Earned [Heroic: Hitler in 3 Clicks]
February 10, 2011, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

On a bored hunch I played a quick game of 5 clicks to hitler heroic mode. First try I got some Polish administrative country piece with so many references and links in it’s history to Nazism and SS and stuff that I didn’t think it was an honorable target since it was too easy.
My 2nd random click fared much better though linking me to a record label which I connected to Eminem. From Eminem’s page I found a link about suicide. On a hunch I picked suicide since I knew Hitler commited suicide and lo and behold Hitler was indeed on it. How badass!!! 3 clicks to Heroic Hitler.

Random Article:

1st click :



Heroic: 5 clicks to Hitler
December 27, 2010, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The good old wikipedia 5 clicks to Hitler game. Choose a random article in wikipedia and try to get to Hitler within 5 clicks.


Heroic mode is trying to do it without using countries since they are a guaranteed superhighway to getting a Hitler page in 2 or 3 clicks. I got lucky with my first try which netted me a death metal guitarist:

1st click







A “Giant’s” Life
November 2, 2010, 7:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Enigma Publishing Group presents…

A Giants Life

An Outsider’s In-depth Look at Sports Specifically Giants Mania


Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010 – The morning after the Giants world series victory over Texas

I woke up feeling really good today – unusually good. I was refreshed and invigorated; the clock barely hit 5:58 AM. I was up earlier than usual! Usually if I am up this early I feel drowsy, soulless, and sick to my stomach but not today. There could be only one explanation – the energy of the Giants victory over Texas for the entire world series has renewed me. The energetic signature in the air has breathed new life into all who are tuned into the signal. Just like Tesla’s crazy theories about tapping into energetic fields projected from tall towers thousands of miles away the energy field of  “love for the Giants” has empowered all who would accept and bask in the glory of Giants mania.

As I wake up this morning I recollect my first thought for the day. We have done it – we have vanquished the foe and won over their goodtimes!!! If wars past were fought over land, gold, and women today’s proxy sports wars are a battle for people’s life energy. The victories do come at a cost though since with the possibility of victory comes the possibility of defeat. A Giant’s loss in the 3rd game a few days back left me feeling empty and sick as if I had a dread filled and sick feeling in my stomach. I never knew any of this until I decided to explore the world of sports watchers. My life was fine and happy until I decided to step into the bubble of these fanatic folk. To enter a reality where up and down fluctuate day by day with each game. A polarized life where one never rests and never has peace. The peace of a sports fan lies in the grave as every day is a new war, a new battle, a new reason to scream and shout at an electrified box as someone stronger and better paid than you is just doing their thing. For an ironic minute every sports loving male would unconsciously know how a true feminine woman feels like when she invests in a mate. How his every victory or defeat becomes hers and how her ego melds into the man she has chosen. When your team wins – YOU win. When your team loses – YOU lose. There are no more lines of demarcation and seperation between you and a fellow sports fan rooting for the same side. There is only us and them – the enemy team and all who support them become YOUR enemy. Everything is taken personally now. An off comment about some player on your beloved team becomes a thinly veiled attempt at pissing you off. Welcome to their world where the fans are the soldiers and the athletes are the great folk heroes and celebrated warlords of this never ending battle for supremacy. Enter the battle and jump into the life of a sports fanatic. Jump into Giants mania!